The Switch

It was both a hard decision and an easy one. While I've been with blogger for almost four years, I'm switching the blog over to wordpress. I just like their layout better. It's a little buggy, but I was able to get all my posts from my 3 blogs over there, so I have an actual archive! Yay.

Here it is:
New and Improved Obi Kate Kenobi
Happy reading.

A Perfect Circle

It was not a great day. I called my close friend this afternoon, I said, "Tell me again that I'm doing the right thing, working here". He reassured me, gave me some great words of wisdom, and I felt better. Sort of.

The members whom I serve, well they made a choice today that I didn't agree with. I didn't agree for personal reasons, but that I can live with. It was a bad decision for the association, made willfully by a handful of people who represent 25,000 other people.

So okay, I'm not saving lives. It's not fighting for civil rights, it's not fighting for any great or noble cause. But still...

I still can't seem to let it go.

A lot of days, I chill out by listening to A Perfect Circle on my headphones, today was definitely one of those days. This song especially seemed appropriate:

The Outsider

Help me if you can
It's just that this, this is not the way I'm wired
So could you please,

Help me understand why
You've given in to all these
Reckless dark desires

You're lying to yourself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
I'm over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess. Why would I want to watch you.

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

Kitty!

So I swore I'd never get a pet.... let alone a cat. But well...

His name is Little Mexico, and we fell in love with him at the Shelter yesterday, especially Will, who after we picked up Little Mexico from the vet today exclaimed "I wuuv em!".

Baby Kisses

Violet gives the best baby kisses. Okay well, maybe it's a three way tie, but oh man Violet's kisses are the cutest thing ever. She started out sort of leaning into you, but now it's progressed into a full-fledged smack on the lips, complete with the "Mmmmmaaa" kissing sound. I think I might just be overdosing on baby kisses, but I can't stop. Someone might have to stage an intervention... but I mean, well, look at this face!

Spring

I love spring. I'm always reminded of the years in Pullman, on the first warm day after a long, co0ld winter. When you look up at the sky and feel actual warmth from the sun on your face. I'm reminded of Western Washington springs, dragging the shorts out from the back of the closet and pairing them with fleece and sandals. I'm reminded of the last days with Will, then Violet in my belly, my back aching, and then bringing home a new baby in the sweet spring air.

I shocked Ian by cutting all my hair off yesterday. How many times now have I gone to the salon saying "Don't worry, it's just a trim" and as soon as I hit the salon chair face myself in that big mirror and decide, "Oh god, cut it off, cut it all off"? Probably every time.

I got Ian a barbecue for his birthday, and we're having Gabe over for dinner. I'm looking forward to many, many evenings out on our deck this summer.

It feels like having two toddlers in the house now. At times, I'm prying limbs off of me, trying to get an inch of personal space, and other times I'm clinging to Violet's babyhood before it slips through my fingers. She will probably be done nursing soon... I have mixed feelings about it. We've been able to keep it up despite my schedule, and I'm very glad for that, and I'll also be very glad to finally have my body back after what feels like 4 years. But she's our last baby, the last one.

Ian wrote about this man on his blog. I won't go into it much here, but it just broke my heart. William's kindness that day made me prouder than I have ever been. Taking the time to just touch someone, if only for a few minutes...we often think of philanthropy and grand gestures, but it's clear to me now that reaching out, without judgment or hesitation is one of the biggest things you can do, even if you are only two years old.

Dear Ian

It was just six years ago that I made you a cake that you didn't want. Looking back at the pictures of your young, happy face, I realize you did want it, the cake, everything. Now, two children and a million smiles later. Well we're older, if not wiser.

But through the years, I've come to understand that there is no one in this world I admire more than you. Your gentle strength, your calm, your kindness, I see what is best and most wonderful about you reflected every day in our children's eyes.

You are my best. Happy Birthday.
Love,
Kate

Mistaking the Forrest for the Trees

Emily's parent teacher conference was yesterday. While usually her teachers have glowing reviews, this one was, well not bad, but less glowing. Why does it bother me? Because the hang up was this "AR" test that Emily is supposed to have been doing. I guess it's a comprehension tests on books she's been reading at home at school. Seems simple enough, right? Well, apparently she's only done, something like 5 while the other kids have done 15 in the same amount of time. And I guess somehow we were supposed to telepathically know that this was supposed to have happened, because even on her report card that came home, it says "Emily has done 5 AR tests". I thought, super? No context whatsoever. To make things worse, the grading system? It's terrible. I asked what the symbols meant that were coming home on her papers, and was told that this weird S symbol with a plus and minus meant that she'd done fine, that a smiley face meant that she'd missed some. Well, of course it does. /rolls eyes.

Okay. So I can deal with the fact that despite Emily knowing all her sight words, getting all the answers right on comprehension tests at school, the implication was: she's not reading at home. Because apparently deducting from actual evidence is, I don't know, not possible. It's just that it couldn't be further from the truth. No, we don't time her or count books, or count pages, or chapters. I just refuse. We encourage her to read because reading is intrinsically good. Am I going about this wrong, because I really feel like we're not.

On the other hand I don't want my kids to be punished at school because we're not doing things the "right" way. I don't know. Teaching is a strange and mystifying world to me. Is it wrong to want my kids to love learning for the process, not the result? I'm just so frustrated.

Emily is such a kid still. So innocent and carefree. She gasps in amazement while we watched Harry Potter after she finished reading the first book last night (which she finished in less than a week, thank you). I like that she falls asleep on the weekends with her lights on and a book in her lap, still wearing her clothes. I like that we discuss politics at the dinner table and don't drill her on her math homework. I like that she knew which presidents were on currency before she understood the value of it.

Am I wrong to feel this way? I've said it before, all that baby stuff, it's cake. Fed? Check. Clean(ish) diaper? Check. Thinking, even for a moment, that if you get through the baby years, it's smooth sailing? It's better you batten down the hatches, we're headed for open water, and there's a hurricane on the horizon.

Easter, etc..

We dyed Easter Eggs, which was, of course, fascinating. Will might have dyed every egg blue if it were up to him. And we found them in our living room in the morning, and Violet rejoiced in smashing eggs together whilst her siblings watched in horror.

And there was the ocean, just a one hour journey down the road (refreshingly close if you are like me and love to gaze out at the horizon and know that it goes on and on and on, is there a word for the opposite of claustrophobia? Because that's what it's like).

And there were Go-Karts. And William was so, so brave, his little face just grimacing in the cold wet wind, but afterward, declaring, "Eeiam rave!".


Despite the rain, the cold, cold wind, the whining about leaving, the lunch at a fast food joint, and just maybe because of all those reasons. As we drove back home, William said "Byee ossean!", I thought, who needs ham and green jell-o?

It was my best Easter.

Why?

I've been reading a lot lately about the state of the agriculture industry, shocked and dismayed at many of the practices. Completely mortified by others...

But where does it end? I can choose not to eat meat, and instead eat fruits and vegetables picked by under-paid and exploited workers that then traveled hundreds of miles?

So what am I supposed to do? I am trying to raise conscience children, aware of their impact on the world, trying desperately to shield them from the commercialism ever-present in society.

Why is it that I can't even feel good about buying an apple these days?


(stolen from http://cleanerplateclub.wordpress.com/)

Shiny Happy Violet

Hold on to This Day

I keep forgetting...
I keep forgetting to write about how Violet sticks her tongue out when we carry her outside, like she's tasting the air
... that she has two new teeth
... that she loves to swing, just laughing and laughing (and sticking her tongue out)
... that when I dressed Violet in a dress, William said "Ohhhh Princess Leia? Oh, Princess Violet."
... that she reaches over for Ian when he gets up at night in her sleep
... that she loves a bath in the sink, but hates one in the tub
... that she crawls to go find her older brother and sister at the other end of the house
... that I am stopped constantly whenever I take her in public, fussing over her blue eyes and blond curls
... that she's three months away from being one, three months closer to walking away from us, our delicious baby

Have I not savored her as much as Will, or Emily? I can say that as my arms ache at the end of the day from wrestling with her while she wriggles and arches and squirms, trying to settle down, it's hard to. But I do. It's different, harder to slow down, to notice her fluttering eyelashes as she falls asleep, to breath deep into her silky hair. But I do. I just hope, more than anything, that I'll remember these moments, for what they were. Not the never-ending piles of laundry, or me yelling "I don't care, don't eat it then!" to William over his dinner.

I hope I'll remember days in February at the park, in my heels and suit, tossing a football, while the sun sets over the mountains across the harbor.

Obama

In 1992, I had a chance to see Al Gore stump for Bill Clinton, but my parents decided not to go. In 2008, I took my own kids to see a moment in history. Over 21,000 people came to see the man that might be president. 20 years from now, they'll be able to say, "We were there".

The Thick of It

Two weeks into Leg Session... Hill Day... two 14+ hour days... and I'm at my desk entering bills into the tracking system.

The last few days have had their surreal moments, and sure, parts were a blur, but I can honestly say I am having the time of my life. The adrenaline, the deadlines, the pressure. I'm exhausted, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Feels Like...

Here's a picture of the new place - but not the sidewalk in front, yeah it's a real neighborhood. Nice. Also note the shiny new Xterra out front. I tried to be a good democrat and take public transportation, I did. But last week as I stood waiting for the bus that never came in the freezing cold, I decided it was time for a change. I mean, sure I can still take the bus when I want, but at least we have a car that all of us fit in! I'll just have to exchange some carbon credits or something to remain a good democrat. And admittedly, I got it for Ian, and he's thrilled. That's just how I roll.

Emily is really settling into her new school - which is close enough to walk to, have I mentioned that already? Probably. It's just mind boggling after growing up in such a rural area. I'm excited to finally settled somewhere that I can see the kids growing up happily. Will and then Violet going to Emily's old school and the teachers remembering her! It feels like home.

I Hike Her

I feel like we've settled in to our new house, a new routine. Will looks forward to walking to meet Emily after school, Emily is making friends at her new school, Violet is crawling everywhere and playing with Emily and Will, Session has started, I'm slammed at work, everything is actually pretty great. And today Will said this:

"Hydat, I hike her"



Translation: "Violet, I like her".

And my heart just breaks for the millionth time over these kids of ours.

What?

I'm thinking that maybe if I write, it will help. That maybe in writing I'll somehow manage to find some clarity in this moment.

We've moved, and everything is here, in various stages of unpacked. In some ways we're doing remarkably well, and I feel more "moved in" than I ever did at our last house. In others, I throw my hands up in exasperation. While Will and Violet's worldly belongings can easily fit into a couple bins and some drawers, Emily's room is overflowing, and we need not forget that 2/3's of Will and Violets things are hand me downs from Emily. Which I remembered as I was playing in Will's room with a seven year old Little People. Little Person? Little Peoples? Well anyway, the thing is old. And I dimly recall playing with exactly that toy in Emily's room in Pullman... was that really that long ago?

Now that little toddler is seven years old, and I swear to you, suffering from some kind of early hearing loss. At the end of the day, I've talked enough for two days, repeating every sentence I utter over again and again. "Emily please get the vacuum cleaner, plug it in, and vacuum that mess" What? "Please get the vacuum cleaner" The bathroom cleaner? "THE VACUUM CLEANER!".

So yeah. It's fun.

I mean clearly she's stressed about starting a new school. Will bursts into tears if you hurt his feelings, and well, the way I've been acting actually happens more than I'd like it to. And Violet, she's mostly okay, it's just the cumulation of all three, all needing us, and wanting me specifically.

That's parenthood, right? Something about treasuring these moments before they slip through our fingers, and I realize that Little People toy the grandkids are playing with is 30 years old? Yes, I know. I do. And I promise, I've had more fun lately. Just enjoying the kids. I spent a wonderful morning with Emily at the Olympia Farmer's Market picking out her Christmas gift for my mom. And Will and I spent Sunday afternoon in the garage unpacking boxes, and he's truly turning into such a fun person to be around. Violet is on the move, and I love to watch her crawl after the other kids. Watching the energy between the three of them is one of my greatest joys.

And that's the kind of affirmation I need.